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Y0U_DoRk
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Birthday: 8/12/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: hanging out with friends, reading a good novel, shopping, music, being me :)
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/12/2004
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| I had an interesting conversation with my dad yesterday. He told me he didn't value love as much as I did. Love as in loving your significant other. Then I look at my mom and think about how she approaches me and my relationship, what type of guy is "perfect" for her for me to date, and am forced to come to the same conclusion: my mom doesn't believe in Love.
Tim and I have had this conversation many times. What is Love?
And he put it into words the best:
First, what you want out of Love is NOT inherently tied to
the individual you want love from. Why?
Because you have no idea what you want out of love… you'd only be wanting that
particular person. You have nothing to offer to the relationship. You'd be
over-compromising who you are and your own values and desires.
What is this suppose to mean? It means you fall in love with
someone because of who YOU ARE, not because of who he or she is. The person you
fall in love with re-defines you; rather, they add to who you are – your values,
your desires, etc. Only then, do you ultimately fall in love for who they are.
Does that make sense?
Think of it this way: One of my favorite movies of all time
is "As Good As It Gets." Jack Nicholson is an uber-jerk in this movie. He's unyielding,
never thinks before he speaks, and everyone hates him, kind-a-guy. But while on
a dinner date with Helen Hunt, he proclaims, (paraphrased) "I feel good when I'm
with you… you make me want to be a better man."
Who he is, essentially, has not changed… there's just,
something more. He's offering himself – a jerk – with the consideration that he's
going to try to become a better person. This consideration is a compromise. It's
up to Helen to decide whether or not she accepts. And how does she accept? By assessing
WHO she is. She knows that her life is complicated, that she has an ailing son,
that her life as a waitress does not afford much luxury, etc. Is she suppose to
neglect or compromise all these – albeit crappy circumstances – of who she is?
Hell no! You do not escape who you are, or deny parts of who you are, all for
the sake of someone else. (Notice that I didn't say 'for the sake of love').
Bottom line here: You cannot love until you know what you
want out of love, and you cannot know what you want out of love, until you know
who you are.
So I ask you, what do you think Love is?
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| What I have learned the past month working full time:
Waking
up to get to zero period in high school was easier than waking up to get to work
at 7:30AM.
The body can no longer function on 5 hours of sleep. Americans
are fat because of work. Why walk two feet to talk to someone when there’s
a phone and email? There
is not enough time in a day. Seriously. You thought school was bad? 60%
Life = work + (gym) + eat + sleep. - The company car is huge and a little scary to drive.
Cliques
still exist in the “real world.” You learn quickly who is “cool,” and who
is not. Which ones are “in” and which ones are “out.” Boys
will ALWAYS be boys. Gmail
is your friend. Office gossip gets around FAST. You can leave early to run personal errands and there are times you have to stay really late. Either way, you get paid the same. 21?! I
can’t be 21! I am anywhere between 17 and 20. You’re
never too young to start thinking about retirement. The
government doesn’t like young people to be rich. That’s why they take away
all our money. Lunch
breaks are also known as play time. 9:00AM
is when you start thinking about lunch. 10:30AM is when you get hungry. - The game room's most popular hours are between 11 and 1. Now we're pinning for a karaoke machine and a nap room. Recreational equipment is written off as "office supplies."
- Business casual can mean jeans and sneakers (at least, for us).
- The office temperature varies from corner to corner. Cold? Take 20 steps to your left to warm up. Hot? Take 20 steps to your right to cool down.
Everyday
is April Fools. - And like
everything else in life, the people are the ones that keep you going.
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| I don't write in my own public blog anymore detailing my life. I took
all my xanga and livejournal entries off the web. Some people are lazy
and just don't update. Others are too busy to even bother. But various
little reasons built up into a big reason, and then I completely
stopped.
Everyone is so hung up on education. They say you'll
graduate college in 4, some people 5, years with a BA/BS and learn a
whole lot of technical and educational stuff that will help you in the
"real world," and ultimately help this country grow to be more educated
and economically stable. But you also learn to socialize with
strangers, politely get along with those you don't particularly like,
and deal with drama that you thought ended in high school. Some people
learn to juggle jobs, extracurricular activities, and school. Others
live in the library. You learn your alcohol tolerance level, some
people experiment with drugs, girls’ skirt lines get shorter and
shorter, and boys spend their days in front of the TV playing Halo.
Most everyone has put their hand into the relationship game, and you
know only a handful of virgins. You’re surrounded by people called
friends that help to define you. But most of all, you’re supposed to
discover who you are.
Four years ago, I was surrounded by
friends that stood alongside me proudly as we finished our high school
career playing one last song, Conquistadores. My world comprised of two
things: band and friends. The band room was my second home, the stadium
was my backyard, and my friends were my family. I was loyal – extremely
loyal – to everyone and everything I loved. I dedicated all my energy
to making my world perfect. It was okay to be up until 3AM to listen to
friend(s) cry when I had a test the next day in 0 Period Calculus. It
was okay to get to football games early and get home late even though I
had the SATs the next day. It was okay to swallow my feelings to avoid
conflict with others. It was okay that I hurt and felt underappreciated.
I loved and thought that that was enough for the unconditional love to be returned.
Then
I entered college. College was a big test. It tested my integrity, it
tested my need to conform, it tested my friendships – it tested me.
I
have to admit, in large part, the tests were difficult because I met a
boy. Every girl has wished for a boyfriend – someone to love you,
someone to hold you, someone who will always be there. For once, there
was a boy that liked me and I *gasp* liked back! I never knew I was a
bit of a commit-a-phobe. But here, standing before me, was this boy,
and I was shying away from the relationship. In the four months he
chased me and patiently waited while I sorted through my own mess
INCLUDING my “friends”, I fell in love.
First year of college
ended, and I wound up with a wonderful boyfriend. I am his world and he
treats me like a princess. I learned a lot that first year. He
challenged me to understand myself and also taught me the meaning of
‘unconditional love.’ Ironically, the relationship taught me
independence. At the same time, the relationship kept growing stronger
and stronger. With any relationship there was conflict – I don't let
him get away with anything, and he doesn't let me slap him around.
There is a healthy stream of communication and compromise.
As
college went on, more apartment/roommate drama unfolded. The biggest
one happened my last year in college with my apartmentmate and her
abusive boyfriend. This girl was the first friend I made at UCSD, and
the first friend that I had to let go. Despite my attempts to be a good
friend, she ignored my suggestions and continued to disrupt her own
life and lives of those around her – including mine. What else can you
do for someone you care about? I realized I couldn’t fix everything for
friends and sometimes they just need to learn on their own. “If you
love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If
they don’t they never were.” - Kahlil Gibran. I don’t know how she is
now. She never came back.
The past 13 months have been hard. I
have never been through so much frustration and pain, so much
self-doubt, so much hurt and rejection in my life. My faith was almost
gone, my confidence was badly shaken, and I was being criticized and
patronized left and right. I’ve never had so many emotional/mental
breakdowns. My strength and will were being tested. And when I thought
I couldn’t shed another tear or move another foot, it ends. It’s
finally over. I signed my contract earlier this week and am moving on
to the next stage in life.
In some ways I’m still the same girl
that I was four years ago. I’m still loyal and dedicated. I will still
put everything aside for those who need my help. I still get hurt. I
still love working hard on interesting and fun projects. I love
reading; ask me, and I'll tell you what book I'm in the middle of. But
I have gone through A LOT, and now there’s so much more…I have a
handful of good and close friends, but I still love meeting new people
to open up my social circle. I find game theory extremely interesting
and would not mind studying it more. Confrontations are never easy but
I have the strength to speak up. I am stronger and more independent.
Best of all, I have the all the love and support I need from my
boyfriend.
…and I’m still growing and learning. Maybe, maybe I’ll start sharing online again. | | |
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